The Magic of First Descents - Montana - July, 2008

Thursday July 10, 2008.

Off on an adventure .... something I have not done in a long time. I’m going somewhere I know very little about, know very few people and have only had snippets of what to expect. Scared, excited, anxious -- knowing that the end result should be amazing, but still hesitant. Brent asked me who was picking me up at the airport. I think it will be Whitney Lange. Did I know what she looked like? Would I remember meeting her from the Gala in March?

I am really missing Allan right now. He was so sure that I was going to love this week and do a great service to these campers. I hope so. It has been a tough week without him. Going through his apartment, having Arlyn ask a lot of good questions, watching my husband struggle with the loss of his best and oldest friend.

The one thing I know without even arriving in Montana is how important it is to have First Descents continue to grow and for Brent to stay involved. Maybe it would not be the last place that Allan would work, but his message about young adults with cancer was always so strong -- there are no other programs like it. And as a tribute to Allan for his family and for our kids, I hope that Brent will continue this in Allan’s memory. Allan spent a lifetime of helping others, and now it is important that we continue to do this work for him in anyway we can.

I am off to Montana. Full of emotion of loss, sadness and excitement.

Okay, I arrived at camp and the first 10 minutes were the longest of my entire life. Whitney did not do the best job of introducing me and everyone here goes by a nickname. So I was introduced to 2 guys -- Mateo, and another one whose name I still don’t know. The girls who I met were Truffles, Too Tall and Care Bear. I felt like a fish out of water and beyond.

2 hours later I am already feeling more comfortable and they have started calling me Step Mom. They gave it to me when they found out I would be working with Ginny Ludden, Brad’s mom.

Truffles’ real name is Ella and Care Bear’s real name is Carrie. Too Tall I still do not know and they said that you normally don’t find out until the last night of camp. They have each been here a few times and LOVE it!! Truffles and Care Bear are in remission. They have already informed me that when someone tells you that they have cancer, don’t talk quietly and say you are so strong and so brave. They think that they just did what they had to do.

Friday, July 11th

Last night we all went out to a bar for dinner. There were 11 of us -- new campers and staff from the previous week. The past staff had what they called a “very intense and difficult” week. They had a lot of great campers, but apparently two were quite difficult. I got forewarned on how to deal with many issues for the upcoming week. The best part of the night is that everyone is so inclusive. And young. I feel old at 40 with 3 kids. I can already tell though that I will be learning a lot this week. One of the campers told me that the best part of camp is that they can be so comfortable with each other and make fun of cancer, chemotherapy and radiation. When it is discussed at home, people tend to get upset with them and don’t want them to talk like that. It is very cool to see on the first day what these camps mean to these people.

When we got home from the bar last night, at 1:00 a.m., the sky was filled with so many stars. A sign of a good day to come.

Friday, July 11th, 2:30 pm

WOW -- this place has totally come alive in the past few hours. The whole staff arrived around 11:30am and I have never seen such a transformation in a place. The few campers that were here have been here before, so everyone was so excited to see everyone. And for me and a couple others who didn’t know anyone, we were just pulled in as part of this amazing FD family. I have to say that I was hesitant this morning, but those thoughts are out the door.

Ginny Ludden is beyond what anyone could even describe. What an incredible, kind, thoughtful and warm woman. Everyone calls her Mama Ludden. This is her 4th week this summer and she just has the whole thing down. The campers were all so excited to see her and she them. It is amazing to see the bonds that have formed and lasted over the last 8 summers.

It was time for lunch and the whole place descended on the kitchen to help. Staff, camplers (sort of like CIT’s, a camper and counselor), campers, everyone! It was amazing that everyone here feels so passionately about camp and works together to make it great. It is as if everyone checks their “issues” at the door and the common goal here is an amazing week of talking, kayaking, learning, laughing and I’m sure some crying.

Ginny and I were talking about the nicknames that everyone has -- no one goes by their first name -- and she said a reporter who did a story a few years back said that it seems that it allows everyone to leave their problems behind and spend the week with a new identity . . . one that they are unable to have at home with friends, family and doctors. I thought that described personally what everyone was feeling.

I have finally learned what I will be doing here - making breakfast, lunch and being a “true” mom. Laundry, bathrooms, making sure lunches are packed, jackets and day bags are taken on the river, and even looking at possible splinters.

As I sit on the deck, which is just a beautiful spot with the mountains and river to my right and the lawn in front of me, I can understand why Allan found this place so special. It is hard to describe in words what goes on here. The mixing of individuals to help make this a very special experience for the campers. And the campers are in the mix helping right alongside the staff.

The funny part about being here is how much everyone loves to eat and discuss food. The whole day is planned around 3 meals and any and all snacks that are available. They all talk about how they gain at least 10 pounds while they are here. I may have to bring them all home with me.

The rest of the campers are on their way. There will be 12 campers this week, 8 women and 4 men. The sleeping quarters are tight, but I lucked out with my own room. Pheeeeew!! And I’m so glad I am not in an RV -- no bathrooms in those things. So far the campers are Truffles, Too Tall, Care Bear, Charmed, Spaz, and Sassy. The staff names that I can remember are Beamer, Crabs, Switz, Smelly, Woogs, Googly Bear. By the end of the week I should have everyone straight.

Friday Night, July 11th, 10:30 p.m.

The 1st day of camp has come to a close. It was a great day!! All of the campers have arrived and have been properly “nicknamed”. It is amazing to watch people’s reactions to the nicknaming and how easily all of them took to it.

Everyone got “suited” for a dry suit, life vest, water shoes, helmet and anything else that they needed for the 1st day on the river. It is truly a group effort to get every camper on the river each day. “Crabs” (not sure if he had them, or likes to eat them) is the equipment director, “LSD” (little swinging dick, used to be BSD) coordinates the vans and shuttling of the equipment and people, and Brad and Corey made sure everyone had the right size kayak.

In between all of this, the food was coming and going. Lunch was from 12:30-2, Snacks from 3:45-5, and dinner from 5:30-7. I washed and dried more dishes than I probably have in the last 10 years. Food was set up, food was put away, food was set up, food was put away. And the story will go for the week.

We had a staff meeting after dinner and it was to discuss each camper and their needs. There are 3 campers here who are susceptible to seizures, so we had to go over what to do if they have one. Another is allergic to nuts. One gentleman’s skin is so thin that the goal this week is to not have him scrape himself. The counselors (who are on the river with the campers all day), the river support, and even us camp moms all need to understand each camper and their special needs. Even the basic stuff of who gets cold and who needs what items with them during the days and nights. A lot of thought has gone into planning these weeks of camp and it is so great to see it all unfold. The camper/staff ratio is 1:1. This is especially great for those who will need special attention on the river.

We had a campfire tonight with everyone. Tons of laughter. Everyone seems very good natured and excited to be here. The campers range in ages from 19-40. Everyone went around the circle and stated their name . . . well, nickname anyway. And of course there is always the peanut gallery making comments and everyone cracking up. I sat next to a woman named “Mork” (yes, her real name is Mindy). Most people here have never even heard of the show which is even funnier. She is a 40 year old woman with Stage 4 Breast Cancer. It is everywhere in her body and yet she is here and looking forward to a great week. The strength and spirit of these people is truly amazing.

The most important thing that I learned tonight is that while FD has been doing the camps for 8 years, their original target audience was 15-25. It was actually Allan who came along a few years ago and convinced the FD Board of Directors to switch the focus to 18-40 as this was the age group that he believed was so under-served. It has turned out that he was right on the money, as FD continues to grow with this young adult community.

Saturday, July 12th, 8pm

What a day! I hope that my words can capture the essence of the entire day. I was up at 6:30 and was the 2nd one in the kitchen. Shocking that Mama Ludden was up, cleaning bathrooms and getting breakfast on the table. The rest of breakfast was like a scene from Big Chill. Smelly was the next one in. She starting making eggs over easy and Canadian Bacon -- yummy breakfast. By around 7:45 the entire staff and campers were in the kitchen, eating, talking and working around each other. It is not a very big kitchen, but it just worked. And it set the tone for the rest of the day.

At 8:30 we were off to the lake. Everyone was excited and ready to go!! Snacks and drinks were packed, kayaks and paddles were loaded, campers and staff piled into 4 vans and we were off. The organization and seamlessness of the morning was truly something to see. This is an amazing group of people and everyone cannot help each other enough.

We drove into Glacier National Park -- absolutely gorgeous -- and parked at Lake McDonald. What an amazing sight to see. Calm, beautiful blue water against majestic mountains and perfectly colored sky, and not a cloud to be seen. It was absolutely breathtaking.

Everyone suited up and was ready to go. We had about 30-35 kayaks ready -- the ratio of staff to camper is 2 to 1 in the water. Corey, Brad, Woogie, Pez, Smelly, Post, Crabs, Fitzie, Patch and all of the staff were amazingly energetic from the minute we arrived at the dock until the end of the day. I have never seen so much enthusiasm and genuine excitement. It is a feeling that is pretty hard to describe. Campers got in their kayaks and were immediately being taught how to paddle, how to improve their past experience and strongly and effortlessly encouraged to push themselves and “Never Give Up” (thank you Smelly and Woogs).

We all paddled around for about 45 minutes practicing “Wet Exit” where you flip over and have to get yourself out of the kayak. I was really scared, but again the patience and encouragement of the staff allayed any concerns. At the end of the week everyone jumps off a bridge 25 feet into the river. I’m sure they will be able to help me to do that too. I don’t have enough words to describe it.

My favorite part of the day was next when we had a polo match while in our kayaks. Everyone played and it was the most fun I have had in a long time. People were so into it and again the staff made the campers feel like a million bucks. There was laughter, competitiveness (Brad!) and just some good old fashioned fun. No thoughts of cancer, disease, treatment stage, etc. The level of excitement and energy on the water was truly indescribable.

Sunday, July 13th, 6pm

I have to finish writing about yesterday. After water polo -- my absolute favorite part of the day -- we kayaked down the water in Class 1 - 1.5 rapids. It was so much fun. And Montana is absolutely gorgeous. Not to mention that the weather was perfect!!! I only “swam” once -- that means my kayak flipped and I had to get myself out of the kayak and swim to shore while someone brought me my boat. I got caught getting out of the eddy (the smooth part of the water) and into the flowing water. I panicked for half a second but then did what I was taught and got out. Very exciting!!

I spent a long time talking with Woogie (Angela Rossi) and Beamer (Bryan?). They are both amazing people and we talked about Allan for a long time. Woogie is really special -- funny, kind, warm -- and was very close to Allan. She was asking me a lot of questions and filling me in on lots of different stuff. Beamer also knew Allan very well in that he is a FD camper and very involved in the organization. He spoke at the FD Gala this past March and was absolutely amazing!!! It was so good to talk with them, helped me know more about Allan from a totally different perspective and learn how much he was liked and respected in Vail. I don’t know why, but the conversation felt very uplifting and gave me a strange and wonderful strength to move on in my loss of a friend. And Beamer must have felt the same way because later that night when everyone talked about their favorite part of their day, he talked about the meaningful talk that he and I had. Of course it brought tears to my eyes. Shocking, I know.

Monday, July 14th

Last night was really nice. We finished the day with everyone going around the room talking about their favorite part of the day. It was another incredible scene of selflessness as everyone was excited to be having a great time sharing in other people’s successes. Too Tall called it FD Magic and that is as close as I can come to explaining this place. It is magical. People have checked their attitudes and issues at the door and are truly here for the good of the group. A couple of the campers told me after the ‘good and welfare’ that they were so psyched to see the other campers doing well in the water. It was really cool to see the excitement in their eyes and hear the sincerity in their voices.

I don’t think I have mentioned the total group. Nor have I mentioned how well all 13 campers have gelled. Not to mention the 15+ staff. Only one camper is not really within the group, but that is more a matter of his health than anything. NOTE: Urn had a bad 1st day, but he improved every day and became a huge part of the group.

Monday, July 14th, 9:50 pm

Today was another magical day in this amazing place. Let me first start off by saying that Urn, who did not seem to me to be having a great day yesterday, had an amazing day today. He got in the “Duckie” (inflatable kayak for 2 people) and seemed to really enjoy himself. The rest of the day he was extremely talkative and looking like he was having a great day.

Yesterday I was so jealous not to be in the kayak when we were in the water. Today was a totally different story. The campers and staff were all in Topo’s (2 person hard kayaks) and Duckies. The rapids were I think category 2’s and 3’s and the campers were all having a blast. Not to mention that their kayaking skills have improved tremendously over the last 3 days. No, I am not an expert, but they were moving through the water with that look of ease and so much excitement. The energy on the water was addictive and you could feel it on the raft. I had that sense of selflessness that everyone else has here. They were having an absolutely great day. Too Tall was in a Duckie with Urn and she did an amazing job -- she is a campler (camper/counselor in training) and showed so much poise and strength. She is 22 years old and is so mature it amazes me. I hope that she always feels this connected to FD.

Another person who has been amazingly strong is Ace. She came to camp so quiet and said almost nothing. On the first day she was chosen to do the “wet exit” demonstration and the poor thing was so nervous. Who wouldn’t be in front of 35 strangers?!! At the demo it took her what felt like a long time before she would do it. Today there was a new person on the river. She was in a Topo with Corey and she had the biggest smile on her face that I ever saw. She was beaming. And yesterday, she won the LifeJacket Award.

After a long day of shuttling cars, vans and trucks to the right places on the river and an incredible day of Alternative Day we headed back to camp. Upon arrival it was time for yet another meal. What a shock!! Love these people, they are always hungry and they eat!!!

We then took 2 vans to the summit at Glacier National Park. The entrance to the park is about 10 minutes away from camp. The ride to the summit with a lot of stops and construction took 2 hours. It was a long trip, but the park is beautiful and because of all the snowfall, there are gorgeous waterfalls everywhere. Brent and I have been here before, but it is like Vail, you never get sick at looking at the beauty of the mountains/valleys/waterfalls.

On the way back down the summit, Sassy and Balboa were talking about losing friends once they were diagnosed with cancer. Balboa described it as a drop of dish soap put into a hot pan of oil. They both concurred that a lot of people stopped calling, did not invite them to do things and pretty much dropped the friendships. Switz and I were amazed. I would never have believed it if they both hadn’t been sitting there.

We continued talking the entire way down and then Switz asked Balboa when he was diagnosed. Balboa is a 37 year old from Spokane, has a wife and 2 kids, ages 6 an 3 and has colorectal cancer (?) that has spread to his entire body. I mentioned earlier that he fired his oncologist because he had given up on him. Today we had a very intense conversation and he really opened up about his situation and how he felt. The most striking part of the story is when he talked about his bad days and when he has them his wife takes the girls out of the house so that he can be alone and feel better. He says watching them leave the house makes him think that his wife is preparing for a life without him. It breaks his heart. As he is telling us this story, he is crying so openly and of course so am I. He continues talking about how he is a man always in control and that the worst part of cancer is that he cannot control it. He talked about the mental challenge of cancer and how you have to be ready for it, and how he comes unglued if someone has cancer and is not taking an active roll in their treatment. The entire conversation was amazing and I felt privileged to that he talked so openly with me. The other great part of the story is how 3 days at FD have moved him so much. He absolutely loves the physical achievements that he has accomplished, but the mental side is equally and if not more important. Being here means that he is not different . . . he is like everyone else. I think that the mental relief for him is amazing and as the girls would say “he gets it”

The best part of the day was yet to come. Every day at the end of the day 3 awards are given out. The Paddle Award for a person who is doing an amazing job off the water. The lifejacket award for someone who had a great day on the water. And the turtle award is for someone who is fun, entertaining, sweet, etc. The first night of camp the staff picks out the recipient of each award and then after that the person who received the award is in charge of passing it on the next day. Tonight I received the Paddle Award from Truffles. She started off by saying “I met this person on the first day of camp, she asked a lot of questions, she was very nervous and very filled with emotion.” At that point everyone knew it was me. She went on to say so many nice things. Yes, I was teary . . . and then everyone in the room clapped and was cheering for me. It was really amazing and so thoughtful. I was so excited that I fit into this very unique and wonderful family and that they were happy to have me.

The other cool thing is that right before the “meeting,” Crabs came up to me and told me that I was doing a great job. To me, this whole week has been a no brainer. These survivors/fighters are amazing. They push themselves and “No” is not a word they will listen to. Their strength, enthusiasm and energy continue to make me feel weak, but each day I am finding all of these things contagious. When I arrived I was thinking about Allan and his determination to live and not burden anyone. I’m not sure that I would have the strength to do the same if I were the cancer patient. It’s crazy, but these people have taught me more about strength and toughness and life-affirming will in 3 days than I could ever hope to learn in a lifetime.

Wednesday, July 16th, 11:59pm (yes, I am still awake!)

This has been another amazing day -- not sure how they pull it off every day. Each day is honestly better than the last. Tonight was truly powerful. It was an evening filled with buckets and buckets of tears and more meaningful words and hugs than I could ever have imagined.

After 2 1/2 hours of Polish Horseshoes where Corey and Too Tall won the Championship, we had a dessert celebration. We celebrated Sassy’s 5 years of being cancer free (Too Tall and Care Bear’s suggestion) and Ace’s birthday.
It was a great start to the final night festivities.

We sat around the campfire talking about everyone’s favorite part of the week. I doubt that I got my point across . . . I hate speaking in front of big groups. I tried to speak about the awesome experience that I was so lucky and appreciative to share this week at camp. From seeing the campers succeed, to seeing how much goes into the behind the scenes day-to-day, and realizing that this place is so much more unique, special and just plain awesome than anyone could have ever explained. The group of 13 campers and uncountable staff just got along so well and there was just so much positive energy the entire week. Other people talked about the graduation rapid (more on that later), the warmth of the people, Corey’s toenail (inside joke) and most importantly about the jumping mamas -- another story to be told later.
After everyone went around the circle talking, we finished with Mork who is so amazing in so many ways. She had such a great week and was so emotional when talking about her time here and what FD has meant to her. It was a perfect ending to that part of the evening. She has strength that I could only hope to have. She has cancer throughout her entire body, stage 4, and yet found the strength to come her for a week, become a strong kayaker, and looked better today than on the day she arrived.

The next ceremony that we did was the Baci Bracelets. Brad learned of this while traveling in Laos. The main gist of the ceremony is to have another person tie a white ribbon around your wrist and say 3 prayers. Of course Mama Ludden had to be the one to say my prayers for me. It would only be appropriate as we have formed this amazing bond this week. I, of course, cried the entire time.

The last ceremony was the most meaningful and most beautiful. It happened over 1 1/2 hours ago and I still cannot stop crying. We walked down to the swimming pool. Brad spoke -- man, can he ever speak from the heart . . . he is truly unbelievable. He explained that to end the week of camp, everyone would be given a candle to put into the water to make a wish for whatever they wanted. In addition they always light a candle for all campers who have passed, and that this year a special candle would be lit for Allan Goldberg and explained to everyone who did not already know that Allan had passed away a month ago. He asked that the candle for Allan be passed to “Stepmom” and I started hysterically crying and shaking. I was already so filled with emotion and this felt so scary and important to make sure that I said the right prayers for everyone there and a very special message to Allan. Yes, I am bawling as I write this. But it feels good and I am so happy to get this all down. And I am actually sitting outside on the deck looking down at the pool. It is so beautiful and a memory that I will never forget. Googly Bear was hugging me while I was holding the candle. She and Corey were close to Allan and she knew that I was having a hard time all week. It seemed like every time I turned around I was explaining to someone how I got to FD and went on to talk about all of the vision and success Allan had with FD. As I was holding the candle thinking of Allan smiling down on me, I decided it was only appropriate for his to be the first candle in the water. In a strange way, I think everyone was waiting for me to make the first move. I have never appreciated patience so much in my life. I needed those moments to really reflect on this amazing week and to thank Allan for that and for so many other wonderful things he has done for my family. The love he felt for Brent and my girls was amazing and all of this emotion was coming down on me like a heavy downpour. I finally composed myself and put the candle in the water. So glad to feel like I did it right. I know it sounds crazy but the whole time I held that candle I could hear Allan’s voice and see his big smile on his face. Afterwards, as people started to walk into the main house, so many people came up to me and gave me so much love and great big hugs. Beemer said to me on the first day that Allan was here, he came up to me tonight and gave me a big hug and asked me if I could feel him? I could and I still do. I know now that I have to come back here every summer and light that candle for Allan and help to continue on what he started. I know he knew how good it was, but I want to help make it great!!

Thursday, July 17th, 2:30pm

I am sitting in the Kalispell airport waiting for my flight back to Denver. The goodbyes were not as hard as I thought until I saw Balboa sitting on the couch with Mork. He was teary and then I got teary.

I still want to talk about the day yesterday. It was so great. We left camp and it was overcast and drizzly, but by the time we got to the “put in” the sun was shining and we were in for a great day. I was pretty excited myself because when we were done shuttling, I was going in the double/duo “duckie” (inflatable kayak) with Mama Ludden. I enjoyed being on the raft for the past few days, but I was excited to get back on the River again. And the campers were having so much fun. I was psyched to get in on it. When I got in, I was a little nervous, but I assumed Mama Ludden knew what she was doing. I asked her how many times she had been in the duckie and she said “never”. And off we went. duckie is different from a kayak in that it sits higher above the water and is much less likely to turn over. The first big rapid we went through was Can Opener (?) and it was huge and awesome. I was in the front seat where you get major-eague splashed with water and it was a blast. At one point, Mama Ludden is yelling “paddle, paddle!” But I couldn’t even see -- I forgot for a moment that I was not on a ride at Hershey Park, but on an actual river where I had to be careful. After every rapid the kayakers “eddy” out and talk about the next big rapid coming up. It was so great to be right in the mix with them. This was their “graduation day” and they were doing some serious kayaking and loving every minute of it. It was hard to believe that they all learned how to do this just 5 days ago. They were moving through the water with such ease, their success was the counselors pride. Googly Bear got in the river halfway down and it was good to learn some new things from her. She is awesome and we had such a good time.

At the eddy before the last rapid, Corey told us to go down to the next eddy because the campers were going to go down the last rapid one at a time. We got down and found a good spot to watch them. First the counselors came down and it was strange to see them by themselves. So now all of the staff, probably around 25-30 people were sitting below the rapid waiting. Balboa was the first one down and everyone was shouting, whistling and cheering. He jumped out of his kayak so quickly so that he could cheer on his fellow campers -- love his energy!! And one by one each camper came down the rapid and they all did great. It is hard to explain, but the graduation rapid was one of the most emotional and beautiful things to watch. The noise from the counselors and the confidence of the campers was amazing. I was sitting with Googly and we were so excited for each of them to get through the rapid successfully. Like proud parents. Later on in the evening when everyone spoke about their favorite part of the week, graduation rapid was a lot of people’s favorite. The teamwork, the togetherness, the whole week just all came together. I didn’t think that the days could get better and here I was for the 100th time thinking FD is so cool. What an amazing dream that Brad had. And how lucky he was to have Corey, Chuck and Mama Ludden to make it all come to life? And how lucky was I to now be a part of this special FD family.

After graduation rapids everyone started asking “can we jump, can we jump?” They were all talking about “the jump” from the Old Bridge. It was a tradition at camp and the campers were all so pumped from Graduation Rapid that it was now time for another challenge. A few days before when I was talking with Mama Ludden she told me that in 20 years she has never jumped off the bridge, but if I would do it, she would do it with me. Lisa Goldstein would never have jumped off that bridge, but Stepmom was another story. I was so inspired by camp, the campers and the staff that I did not want to miss out on any part of camp experience. And I knew that if I went home and didn’t do it, I would regret it for the entire year. Not to mention that I would have to wait 12 months to try it again. I was in!! It was amazing. Mama Ludden and I got out of the water, and just ran up to the jump spot. We didn’t look down, we barely spoke and on the count of 3 ... we jumped!!! It was scary as hell, but it was awesome!! Everyone was cheering and yelling. The best part is that when I came up from under the water (my butt never hurt so bad from hitting the water) Mama Ludden had this huge smile on her face and gave me a high five. We did it and we were both so excited. Later on that night when people were talking about their favorite part of the week, we were one of the highlights. Skrat named us the Jumping Mamas. In addition to our jump, Urn also jumped and the entire group was going wild. Although he did not spend a lot of time in the kayak, he was a big part of our group. His jumping was amazing and gave me chills that he jumped and how excited everyone got. Needless to say that is how our Google group name became Urn and the Jumping Mama’s. That jump that had my heart racing in fear for about 30 seconds gave me a high for at least 3 hours. And I know every time I see the picture, talk about it with someone or get a message from the google group I will be able to return some of that feeling. I know that if it weren’t for the campers amazing strength to learn and succeed at kayaking, I would never have done that!!

There are so many other stories that have popped into my head since I started writing. One of the most powerful stories of the week is Balboa. When Balboa arrived at camp he was a little guarded and not so sure that he was going to like camp. This is my own assessment. But after just 5 days, his trust, his emotions, his excitement were all out on the table for everyone to see. The transformation was unbelievable. He taught me so much in 5 days. At the last campfire Balboa said that he was so happy at camp that he wished that he could have a few more days. He wasn’t ready to leave this safe world where he felt so much trust in everyone there. For him, finding trust in so many new friends was such a new feeling. And he loved every minute of it.

Another strange thing happened while at camp. A long time ago Allan told me I must read a book called Shantaram. I didn’t even think twice about it. I went and bought it because I knew it had to be great. I couldn’t get into it and Allan was bummed. He thought I should have pushed harder to get into it. I have never found anyone who had read it and honestly have not thought about it since. Two times while at camp people were talking about this book and how great it was. I know it is a coincidence, but it really spooked me out the 2nd time it was brought up. Was Beemer right? Was Allan really there with all of us?

Thursday, July 17th, 6:55pm

I am back in Denver and walked with Urn to the baggage area. At lunch Urn had told me that he had driven himself to the airport and he was excited to get home and have some time to himself. His wife and daughter would be away. We got to the airport and Urn says, “there is my wife”. I said what a nice surprise and he said yeah. With his wife (who, by the way, was adorable) was a family friend. When I mentioned to her the story about the car, she said that he is not all there. It broke my heart.

Friday, July 18th, 8:15pm

As I re-read this my thoughts go back to my first night when Corey told me that this week would be one of healing. I thought he was crazy. I now realize that I will miss Allan a lot for the rest of my life, but what I take forward from here is his strength and vision. And all of the good that he put into FD -- an incredible organization.

I have donated time and money to plenty of charities in the past, but never have I had to chance to see first-hand where the money goes or what direct impact it has on its beneficiaries. The past week has shown that the money raised for FD has a direct and beautiful impact on its campers and volunteers. There may not be any medical data to support what each camper gets out of FD. Who knows whether an experience like camp can actually help cure the physical side of cancer. I have no doubts, however, that every camper left Montana healthier in mind, body and spirit than when they arrived. More importantly, no matter how long each of these campers live, whether it is 12 months or 50 years, I am sure that their lives will be fuller and richer as a result of this incredibly special and powerful experience. That is the magic of FD.